Call for the Provision of Jargon Leadership Facilities for the Public Sector

Historically, industries such as IT, Home Entertainment and Telecoms have been accused of being over-reliant on jargon, creating black arts that are impenetrable to the layman.

My computer hasn't crashed, it has encountered an unexpected event in one of its registers.

My Internet isn't broken, the SNR of my DSL line has exceeded the engineering specifications.

And don't even mention my plasma TV. The digital signal level for the MPEG decoder is insufficient to enable container extraction.

But we have noticed a rather worrying trend. Computer companies, software vendors and Internet providers have ditched the jargon and now use plain English so that we can all understand what's going on.

Meanwhile, the very bedrock of our society - the public sector - has belatedly tried to catch up with the hi tech world and make itself sound interesting.

Either that, or civil servants are trying their hardest to prevent us from seeing where our taxes go.

Here are some examples chosen from today's pick of public sector contracts, together with our translations:

Review of Funding Options for Fish Week Festival

Oh my God, it's Fish Week already. Where are we going to get the money from?

PR campaign for walking

The buses are so bad that we have to promote walking instead

The organisation is seeking to appoint a suitably qualified and experienced Business Consultancy, with a background and track record in successful enterprise development, to coordinate and oversee their new enterprise initiatives so that they become sustainable and self-sufficient.

Wanted: management consultant.

Addressing the prevalence of diseases in socioeconomically deprived areas

Don't ask.

Strategic Business Review of Agri-Food

How much are the vegetables?

Cohort Resources Facility Leadership Team Outline Call

No, we're stumped too.

The Facility will provide a dedicated resource through the sharing of best practice and the development of new practices across cohorts which have been developed from both the social and biomedical sciences.

Nope. Still stumped.

Assist with training and development in longitudinal research.

We give up.

The Board have recently been working to develop a language Framework for Welsh neighbourhoods, which offers a systematic approach to measure the state of the language in Welsh communities.

We can tell you the state of language in Welsh communities. It's obscene.

The service will deliver all or part of an agreed, strategic influencing and population behaviour change food programme.

We'll tell people to stop eating pies.

The aim of the Action Learning Sets is to build leadership capacity and capability in solving ‘wicked issues’ in an integrated manner across CHPs and CHCPs.

Wanted: Witch hunters.

Improving Residents’ Access to Health Services

Wanted: New door for the doctor's surgery.

Enhancing transferable skills in relation to domestic/commercial micro-generation to increase residents’ employability

Wanted: Odd job man.

Provision of "Thinking Skills Programme" to Military Detainees

Go to your room and think about what you did.